Three years. Three YEARS?

I thought I had lost my blog. I couldn’t remember the password, my username, even the web host. Or maybe I just blocked it out of my mind, knowing that if I even considered re-entering the world of blogging, I would resist writing, avoid writing, procrastinate writing, and that would be just one more thing I haven’t followed through with that I said I was going to do.

But right now I’m in the midst of a long, boring project that is the result of more procrastination: transferring all of my husband’s old photo backup discs to an external drive. While the files copy from disc to drive (S-L-O-W as molasses), I have nothing to do but waste time surfing the web, and there’s only so many times that people.com updates their page. What better use of that time to start writing again?

Well, better for me. Maybe not better for the three people who will read this and think “Boring with a capital B.”

Life has changed a lot since 2011. I had a third child, I auditioned for and was accepted into the DMA program at the Eastman School of Music, I left my teaching job, I moved, started school, and quickly dropped out of school. I have struggled with a lack of purpose and an overwhelming sense of failure over the past year and a half, despite being a mother of three wildly amusing children (ages 10, 6, and almost 2) to keep me busy. Becoming a stay-at-home mom (other terminology I use to describe my current “position” include “Household Manager” and “Professional Nag”) was not an easy transition for me, and I long for the days when I felt I was at least being productive by bringing home a paycheck. I’ve heard all of the rosy statements made by well-intentioned people about “doing the most important job there is” and “these years are so precious” and blah blah blah, but I’ll be honest: it’s hard and it sucks sometimes, and I don’t always see the fruits of my labors.

So I’m hoping that by reaching out into the blogosphere (is that even the right word?) more, I’ll help myself sort through the thoughts swirling through my mind about motherhood, restarting and revamping a photography business, feeding one’s spirit, and trying to be better at mothering myself.

Thanks for listening.

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2 thoughts on “Three years. Three YEARS?

  1. CY says:

    Love you.

  2. dana says:

    I think you are among many who feel as you do. It’s hard to be a mom for a variety of reasons, but one of the key reasons when you are a stay at home mom is that you can’t check off everything off your list and get a paycheck at the end of a week. It’s hard to quantify your worth. But you’re doing a good job!!! It’s a season in life. You’re not a failure. If statistics are true, we will likely (and Lord willing) living into our 90’s so we clearly have a lot of time to go back to school or work or whatever it is we wish to pursue. But we won’t have the chance to snuggle with our kids once they are grown. Keep at it. You are worth more than you think.

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