I have been a semi-committed Weight Watchers Online member for almost a year, and have ventured into the turbulent waters of weight loss several times in the past. Since November 2009, not only have I gained the same amount of weight I wanted to lose, I have also begun to resent Numbers. Numbers can come in a variety of forms–the Number of points a particular food contains, the Number of chocolates I can’t have, the Number on the Wii scale, the Number of days I’ve “missed” a workout, the Number of minutes I walked…you get the gist.
I am ready to give up.
You see, there comes a point where one cannot simply look at the number on the scale and think “I am a successful person.” I have been all over the map as far as weight goes–I am 5′ 9″ and have weighed 116 at my lowest (breastfeeding and eating barely anything will do that) and close to 200 at my highest (nine months pregnant with my daughter and eating everything in sight). At both ends, I was not happy. Right now I am sandwiched in the middle of two extremes. I am at a normal weight for my height, but I am certainly not fitting into my skinny pants. I am tracking pretty much everything that goes into my mouth; I am eating low-point breakfasts and lunches, then everything goes to hell in the evening. And let’s not even talk about Easter.
I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m sick and tired of worrying/thinking/obsessing over my weight/food/ Numbers, or if I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that I am a thirty-three-year-old mother of two who cannot look like an eighteen-year-old anymore. My body resists the skinny archetype. There’s a lot of baggage associated with my desires to be thinner–starting with an unhealthy college relationship, continuing with an even unhealthier marriage, but I cannot blame others for what I choose to do to my body anymore. How I think about it, what I put into it, how I move it. It’s really tough, but I have to say “enough is enough!” and strive to be healthy rather than thin, otherwise I will either be dead or go crazy, whichever comes first.
I recently began exercising on a regular basis, which is both a good and a bad thing. I love the way my body feels when it is moving. I take walks, do Wii Active and Wii Fit yoga, and started taking ballet classes. I would love to combine the benefits of exercise with a truly healthful eating plan. My fiancé has been following the Weight Watchers plan since January 1st and has lost thirty-five pounds in three months. It is both encouraging and discouraging. Why is it so much easier for him? The answer is simple: he doesn’t have the emotional baggage that I and so many others associate with food and weight loss. I wish I could tap into that inner strength that he has, and just DO IT. I’m not there yet.
So as I write this, I am already thinking ahead to the day…how I will fit in some exercise, what I will eat and drink, how I will try to stay on plan and recover from this weekend. Wish me luck.